Here are a few by some of the masters of the art. (Quoting them is not a wholesale endorsement.)
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.” — Bob Monkhouse
“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman
“The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.” — Henry J. Tillman
“A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
“Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.” — Will Rogers (Rob adds: Not to take away from Will Rogers’s brilliant paraprosdokian, but … for the sake of several history buffs who read my blog, Rogers must have made this statement before Harding was elected.)
“If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert
“There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.” — Shmuel Breban
“When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey
“‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.” — Jack Handey
“It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”- Winston Churchill
“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx
“She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.” — Groucho Marx
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers
“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (of Clement Atlee)
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
“The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.”
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
“Take my wife—please.” — Henny Youngman
”It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” Winston Churchill
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” Winston Churchill
