Kawasaki Concours Forum
Mish mash => Funny Pages => Topic started by: tjpgi on August 21, 2013, 09:29:47 AM
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Don't read the following if you are easily offended.. yeah fat chance of finding anyone with thin skin on this forum. ;)
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I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me Ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm going to take that.'
A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I?' The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'you're in a basket you dumb ****!'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer. Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
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:rotflmao: I just love non pc humor.
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We have PC humor in this country...it's called congress.
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We have PC humor in this country...it's called congress.
Political Corruption? :o
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I'm deeply offended that you didn't share these earlier ;D
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Great jokes and anyone who is offended by these doesn't have a sense of humor anyways. So, as Bill the cat would say. Pfffft
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkml185Dwk1qzsbdto1_500.jpg)
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'Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked'.
From the TV show 'Married with Children'. When I hear it I laughed so hard I pulled something that has never quite healed right.
By the way, the line was said by the character Jefferson in reference to his pregnant wife (on the TV show). As a final, added twist, his wife was played by a real- life lesbian and somehow that is just the perfect topping to the line....
And while I am thinking about this, a philosophical question: if a really important day in a homosexual's life is when that person 'comes out', and most things in life have an equivalent opposite (addition / subtraction, multiplication / division, etc. ad nauseum), is a heterosexual person's big day in life when he 'goes in'? I guess so.... And of course while a homosexual can only 'come out' one time, heterosexuals can 'go in' over and over and over and over.... well, you get the idea.
Brian
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'Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked'.
From the TV show 'Married with Children'. When I hear it I laughed so hard I pulled something that has never quite healed right.
By the way, the line was said by the character Jefferson in reference to his pregnant wife (on the TV show). As a final, added twist, his wife was played by a real- life lesbian and somehow that is just the perfect topping to the line....
And while I am thinking about this, a philosophical question: if a really important day in a homosexual's life is when that person 'comes out', and most things in life have an equivalent opposite (addition / subtraction, multiplication / division, etc. ad nauseum), is a heterosexual person's big day in life when he 'goes in'? I guess so.... And of course while a homosexual can only 'come out' one time, heterosexuals can 'go in' over and over and over and over.... well, you get the idea.
Brian
Equivalent to whatever goes up must comes down. Whatever goes in must come out. (even Kipass batteries)
'Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked'.
Even bad sex is better than no sex. That's what they tell me anyways as I've never had any bad sex.
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Bradley Manning is now Chelsea Manning.
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(http://static.tvgcdn.net/MediaBin/Content/130819/News/4_thurs/thumbs/130822bradley-manning1_300x206.jpg)
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:o :yikes: :pukeface: :rotflmao: :doh: :pukeface: :pukeface:
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...Even bad sex is better than no sex...
(http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m207/Pilgrim32/Misc/tortoiseangmallet_zpsc2dedc40.jpg) (http://s105.photobucket.com/user/Pilgrim32/media/Misc/tortoiseangmallet_zpsc2dedc40.jpg.html)
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A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
:rotflmao: :thumbs:
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...Even bad sex is better than no sex...
You've obviously never met my ex...
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Now such thing as bad sex although sometimes the best part is when I pull up my pants and leave.
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Now such thing as bad sex although sometimes the best part is when I pull up my pants and leave.
That's what she said... :o ;)
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Upon completing his business with a "lady of the Evening", the man was escorting her to the door. She turns to him "I'm curious, you're well off, reasonably handsome, and the endowment gods have been kind to you. Why do you pay for sex?"
He smiled "My dear, I don't pay for sex, I pay for women to leave afterwards."
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:rotflmao: :thumbs:
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.