Kawasaki Concours Forum
Mish mash => Funny Pages => Topic started by: tweeter55 on September 04, 2012, 11:14:14 AM
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Tools-Definition- Use of
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!'
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Can also be used to create an excuse to go to the urgent care clinic for stitches on fingers or thumbs.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Lawn mower - used to heat up a very small round can that can be used as a hand hold. It's secondary usage is to inflict second degree burns on your palms. Used once.
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Spring Clip Pliers - used to compress retaining clips and launch them into another dimension as they are seldom found after they leave the pliers.
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Spring Clip Pliers - used to compress retaining clips and launch them into another dimension as they are seldom found after they leave the pliers.
Retaining clips huh? Well I'll be darned; I always thought they were called OH SH!T clips for the very reason you described.
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- actually positively squirmed at some of those .... by having done exactly the same ...
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Ice pick - used to put holes in fingers and cans
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Ice pick - used to put holes in fingers and cans
And coolers
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And coolers
and motorhome refrigerators........
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Speaking from experience, RFH???
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Yes. About 25 years ago my cousin came camping with us and put a six-pack in the freezer section to "cool it" for an hour since they were warm. He forgot them and hours later one burst (cans). To free them, he used an ice pick while we were outside at the table. There must have been 20 holes in the aluminum evaporator element.
On a side note, I put one thru the center of my palm when I was about 16. I was pushing a hole thru a thick piece of leather to make a key chain. I know what you're thinking, but let me finish. I got it thru with a LOT of force to where I wanted it so I could attach a key ring. As I was pulling it OUT with great force, it pulled out of the wooden handle and slapped into my palm (just the metal shaft). It actually stuck out thru the top of my hand by about half an inch (missed all the bones). Blood went everywhere and I still have a small scar from it. Ouch.
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Yes. About 25 years ago my cousin came camping with us and put a six-pack in the freezer section to "cool it" for an hour since they were warm. He forgot them and hours later one burst (cans). To free them, he used an ice pick while we were outside at the table. There must have been 20 holes in the aluminum evaporator element.
On a side note, I put one thru the center of my palm when I was about 16. I was pushing a hole thru a thick piece of leather to make a key chain. I know what you're thinking, but let me finish. I got it thru with a LOT of force to where I wanted it so I could attach a key ring. As I was pulling it OUT with great force, it pulled out of the wooden handle and slapped into my palm (just the metal shaft). It actually stuck out thru the top of my hand by about half an inch (missed all the bones). Blood went everywhere and I still have a small scar from it. Ouch.
You left off the most important part of the story. Did your cuz get the beers freed up and were any other cans lost?
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On a side note, I put one thru the center of my palm when I was about 16.
I don't like ice picks... :yikes:
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- actually positively squirmed at some of those .... by having done exactly the same ...
.
This!
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FLASHLIGHT - A case in which one stores dead batteries.
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OIL FILTER WRENCH: used to skin knuckles until the proper straight screw driver is used to remove spin on oil filters
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Ice pick - used to put holes in fingers and cans
Northerners correctly identify this tool as an AWL. As in AWL - what you say after you use this tool when you put a hole into a finger or can. Awwwwww-l.
Southerners think AWL is what you put into your Connie for engine lubrication. See! I thought we could turn this thread around if we just tried hard enough.
:)
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Once witnessed a fellow auto mechanic put his son-of-a-bitch tool (in this case a 16 ounce hammer) through the windshield of the customers car he was working on . That one cost him dearly !
And yes,I have been " that close " myself ::) .