Steve Martin:
Oh sure, it's easy to stand out here and jump around and try and be a...
wild and crazy guy. I think there's more to entertaining than that, and
that's why right now, I would like to talk about [voice deepens
melodramatically, emphasizing each word] what I believe.
[Gentle string music begins to play and continues in background;
imagine any one of a number of TV shows or movies where a character
begins to make an impassioned but completely phony speech while his
cohorts begin to hum "America the Beautiful" and you have the idea.]
What I believe:
I believe in rainbows, and puppy dogs and fairy tales. And I believe
in the family: Mom, and Dad, and Grandma, and Uncle Todd, who waves
his penis.
And I believe in 8 of the Ten Commandments, and I believe in going to
church every Sunday, unless there's a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and
natural things that money can buy.
And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts as "boobs",
"jugs", "winnebagos", or "golden bozos". And you should only refer to
them as "hooters".
And I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so
you can look up her dress.
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone, no matter how stupid
they are, or how much better I am than they are.
And people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots
are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story, one-bedroom
apartment.
And I believe that the "Battle of the Network Stars" should be fought
with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once
was: an arctic region, covered with ice.
And I believe the United States should all foreigners in this country,
provided they can speak our native language: Apache.
And lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is
nothing worse than the music you are listening to right now.