This isn't even from The Onion.

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2016/09/23/miracle-teenager-survives-on-his-own-for-almost-6-hours-with-no-wi-fi/?utm_source=WWN_Facebook_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Social_Link&utm_content=Article

Miracle Teenager Survives On His Own For Almost 6 Hours With No Wi-Fi
September 23, 2016 - BREAKING NEWS

IN what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a Dungarvan neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.

“No GIFs, no memes, no porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers. God love him like, he didn’t even see the new Star Wars trailer yet”.

David was not available for interview, with rumours circulating that the poor youngster had lost the ability to speak in anything other than normal English, having not used emojis for so long.

I'm a child of the 60s ..so living without the internet would be an inconvenience but deffo wouldn't spoil my day...some of today's kids have no perception of "going without"    

 

I'm a child of the 60s ..so living without the internet would be an inconvenience but deffo wouldn't spoil my day...some of today's kids have no perception of "going without"    

+1

+1

Whatever, VJ. 



 

I'm a child of the 60s ..so living without the internet would be an inconvenience but deffo wouldn't spoil my day...some of today's kids have no perception of "going without"    

Today's kids will soon be subjected to UN one world propaganda if our traitor (insert preferred title)______ in chief manages to surrender US control of the internet. 

Treading a thin line, Mr. Pink.

damn, whatever happened to kids smoking good (or bad crappy stuff) Gimp, and binge drinking down by the river, telling lies, and puking...?

just watched a tuna-nerd kid walking by my house texting, he tripped, face planted.... jumped up and ran into the road causing someone to slam brakes on screeeeeeeeeee... picked up his cell and looked at it, and slammed it down on the ground... and as he umbled, bleeding, down the road.. all I heard was "mom's gonna have to take me to the verizon store.. again... fugggggggg.

i ran out and picked up the phone, and his pal was running back (amazing thing, he could run..)  and wanted the phone, because his mommy bought a $300 warranty on it.. so he was covered... I said sure, here, take it, and did my best goalpost slam onto pavement, and it was immediately run over by 3 cars... and as i was walking away, the kid called me a Dick... I told him my name was Richard... and if you wanna see a dick, walk back over here..


they disappeared, but ten minutes ago, that kid's pal came back, picked up the phone, and ran down the road... again.. more exercise than that kid has seen in the last 2 years...


thank you Arnold, for making physical fitness a requisite in high school..

why don't international terroist groups hone in on these kids, and bring down the infrastructure they so much hold in necessity? why? because they are such mindless fools, we could hand them all a small thermo nuclear device, maybe a neutron one, drop them off, and send them to mecca... to find PokeMon... scary eh?

 

to take Joni Mitchell's song and twist it a bit,

"Nuke paradise, and put up a parking lot.."

better yet, just turn the surface to glass... AND BUILD A GASTOWN