My standard intro on new boards:

A dynamic figure, I am often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. When cornering, I lean so far over that I drag both left and right pegs. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have thrown rocks at God but only hit a disciple. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet eaten coleslaw. I ride the best motorcycle ever made. I ride too fast to worry about my cholesterol levels.

 

Oh...you'll fit right in, here.

Welcome!!  So, what oil do you use?

That's nothing- I got to be the first person to mention the word 'KiPass' on this forum! Well, at least after the great forunami of '2011.

Brian

My standard intro on new boards:

<snip>

Welcome to the punchbowl.

My standard intro on new boards:

A dynamic figure, I am often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. When cornering, I lean so far over that I drag both left and right pegs. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have thrown rocks at God but only hit a disciple. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet eaten coleslaw. I ride the best motorcycle ever made. I ride too fast to worry about my cholesterol levels.

He is, the most interesting man in the world!

Welcome!

We now know who Chuck Norris calls 'daddy'.

We now know who Chuck Norris calls 'daddy'.

\
Well, since Chuck Norris helped to birth Himself, I guess technically, Chuck can call Himself 'Daddy".

plus the mail order course in gynecology....
Welcome
rick 

His greatness is only exceeded by his modesty! 

Welcome Sir. Your humility is humbling.

What do you do with prize winning clams? 

Welcome to the asylum. 

What do you do with prize winning clams? 

Welcome to the asylum. 

Prize winning clam?  I completely missed the Jenna Jameson reference in the OP.
 

Prize winning clam?  I completely missed the Jenna Jameson reference in the OP.